April 29, 2013

Why I Hate the Gym

As Dog is my witness, I hate the gym. Not the going to the gym part, mind you, I like the lifting weights and having more equipment available lets me to push beyond what my modest home gym allows. I guess what I am getting at is this, I hate the people at the gym.

Not all of them, I guess. But most. Nearly all in fact. I'm sure that, when they aren't staring at themselves and flexing in the mirror, most of them are way cooler than their overt narcissism lets on. And I would almost guarantee that many of them are very considerate, maybe even stopping at a crosswalk to let people cross. But you would never guess it when they pick up the biggest dumbbells imaginable off the rack, take one step backward, and proceed to exercise. They then slam the dumbbells back on the rack and flex. While I wait for them to move away from the rack so I can retrieve substantially lighter dumbbells. Sometimes, they can't contain their agony and vocalize it through grunts and groans during their reps followed by a resounding slam when they drop their weights to the ground from on high. Dude ... bro...

It isn't just men either. Women are just as bad, albeit in other ways. Many ladies at the gym have a misguided paranoia of "bulking up" and seem to enjoy lifting weights in a manner that takes up as much room as possible instead of just flopping on their backs and grunting it 2 or 3 max reps with 10 minute recovery like dudes.

Example: I'm hitting the gym because I'm fat the other day and a lady comes over and starts doing this weird push up move, but instead of just doing a simple goddamn push up, she starts swinging her legs around and over the back of her head. At first I though she was coming onto me via some strange African mating ritual, then I remembered that I am fat and beardy. In other words, instead of taking up the amount of space needed to perform a proper push up, she is taking four times that amount. Now me, I am using an 18-inch box for jumps and mountain climbers, a kettle bell for woodchoppers and the exact amount of floor needed for push ups. And I'm tucked neatly away in the corner, looking out at the sweaty, bulging, flexing masses with my eyes wild.

As I finish my second set, I just sort of turn away from the tai chi push up lady. But notice her move the jump box back about 10 inches to the wall and she starts jumping rope.


Now, I, uh had that shit there for a reason. I didn't want to jump up on the box and smack the wall. I wanted it where it was so that if I overcooked my jump I would fall farther, faster, and smack the wall in a much more dramatic and painful fashion.

I picked it up and moved it back, making sure she was watching. Then finished up my last two sets, slid the box back against the wall and walked away. I then watched jump rope lady use 40 feet of gym, passing two classroom doors and making people avoid her while jumping rope. She's trying to lose some baby weight, not fight Apollo Creed. I saw another doing a similar thing with split squats. Down the length of the building and back. Guess doing this shit in place doesn't call out to everyone that they are exercising in booty shorts and a skimpy sports bra enough. Just need that affirmation...

And that was just Saturday. I can only imagine what it will be like when I go during a busier time. When I can straighten my arms without my eyes watering again I'll let you know.

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