June 19, 2014

What Do Superheroes Do When They Aren't Superheroing?

I was thinking about superheroes the other day and something occurred to me; what do superheroes and super villains do when they aren't up to anything heroey or diabolical? Sure, sure, sure, they are busy planning their next scheme or training or searching for bad guys or working at the Daily Planet. I get that. I'm talking about the more mundane stuff. And not every one of them has an alter ego that they can use to escape with. What about them?

Let's say that The Joker gets away from Batman and a few days later decides he wants a latte. But Batman knocked the snot out of him and maybe he just isn't into confrontation. Does he put on a costume and head to Starbucks? Does he just go for it as is and risk it, hoping he doesn't have to take out any cops or has another run in with the Caped Crusader? Would he pay for it or steal it? 

What about someone with a really ornate costume like Thor. What if he has to take a crap? Do they crap on Asgard? He's a God but he eats. Wouldn't he crap, too? Would he have to take off his armor? Would it magic off of him or would he spend five minutes groaning and taking it off whilst hopping from one foot to the other? I'm sure he has to take off his cape, unless he drapes it over the toilet. I'd leave the helmet on if I were him. I would grab the wings when I bore down...

What about Aquaman? Does he ever wash his suit? Just take it off and hang around with his Aquawilly floating there while he does his laundry. Maybe he has a robe he wears.

Bane. He wears a mask that Screenrant.com claims "provides conduits which Bane uses to pump an enhanced steroid known as “venom” into his body. The venom serum gives Bane wildly augmented strength and stamina, but as a side effect it also makes him dangerously psychotic." Fair enough. So what if he wants a sandwich? Does that guy even eat? He's human, but if he has a venom injecting mask stuck on his head, I have to think there is some integration that would make feeding difficult. Perhaps he is so intent on revenge and the wanton destruction of Gotham City food for steroids is a worthy tradeoff.

Do any of these superheroes and villains have sex? Because there are a lot of limitations in costumes and gamma-ray affected anatomy to make it difficult, if not outright impossible. Like Jennifer Lawrence/Mystique. Jennifer Lawrence/Mystique is blue and has the nude/scaley thing going, but Jennifer Lawrence/Mystique doesn't wear clothes. Does that mean Jennifer Lawrence/Mystique is an exhibitionist? Or does Jennifer Lawrence/Mystique not have any goodie bits to view. Sure, Jennifer Lawrence/Mystique can "change," but...

Anyway, just some insight the next time you sit down to watch Captain America. Who incidentally....

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