June 3, 2009

Is it Worth It?

Today had me in the pool the second time this week. I've committed to three days, because two just ain't cutting it and I really want to improve my swimming.

I NEED to improve my swimming actually.

Because I really think if I can believe that I am actually a good swimmer and not just swimming for survival, I can take another chip out of my open water anxiety. Which I really have to do.

Or I am done with triathlon.

After some introspection, I'm starting to believe that the massive (accurate term) amount of anxiety I feel before swimming in a race is not worth it.

The panic has literally had me close to tears. It's that bad, and it isn't worth it. It isn't fun. But it's only the first couple of minutes. Past that, I'm going as fast as my bald little wings can pull me. Still not worth it though. My anxiety used to be drowning. Now it is a combination of drowning and the fear of quitting and being a failure, again. So it's actually worse than it used to be.

But, I have not been in a lake since XTERRA last summer, and something feels different. I still get the knot in my belly when I so much as think about swimming away from earth with a throng of flailing people, but I look forward to going. Maybe I have nothing to worry about. Maybe finishing the XTERRA swim helped me over the hurdle.

I had a swim consultation with Coach Katie. She found little wrong with my swimming form, suggested some drills and encouraged three days a week. It helped tremendously because I needed to know that the foundation, the mechanical basics of my stroke, are in place. Now I need to build the fitness and strength I need.

And I need the water to warm up a little more so I can get back into the lake and see where I am mentally with this mess.

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