Another Birthday

Today, July 7, 2011 would have been my sister's 44th birthday had cancer not taken her from us on January 31, 2006. Fifth year anniversary.

So, happy birthday, sis!

She was given the official diagnosis on her birthday in 2005. Quite a gift. She called me while I was at work and told me. I went into my bosses office and cried. On October 22, Smarty Pants was born, my daughter that would never know her aunt. In December, I forget the day, she called as I was driving into work and told me she was going to die, and that the doctor wanted to see us so that he could explain. And now she is gone...

Look at the time, from diagnosis to death. Six and a half months. That is what liver cancer does to you. It kills you, quickly and terribly.

Heidi's birthday is the only day that I make an extra effort to take her flowers, and remember her life and short time here. I say extra effort because I remember her every day. I don't want to do anything on the day she died. Memorial Day has become like Valentine's Day, so I focus on her birthday. It was the day she was welcomed to the the world, and unlike her life, that can't be taken away. Plus, it's on her birthday that we did a great thing as siblings, we got each other cards that made fun of each other. Goddamn I miss those cards. I still give her one.

Every year I get up in the morning, go and buy flowers and pick out a card. I go to the cemetery and clean up the markers of Heidi and my grandparents (right next door). I cut, arrange and water flowers for both markers. I do this alone, with my memories — great, good and bad — that fade in and out as I go about my work. I don't want company. I want it that way.

It's a little thing, but it's all I have. Considering our age spread of seven years, she was gone and married and having kids by the time I was old enough to really start enjoying her company as an equal adult. As we grew older our relationship matured and she wasn't just my big sister anymore, she was my friend. One of my best friends. I talked to her about things I couldn't with my parents, or anyone else. It's a hole that has never been filled. If I need help or to vent about certain things, I just don't get it, and it stays with me. Probably good reason #76 to see a psychologist. Even though we were siblings for 32 years, I really only got to know her well for about 17 of those. And that just wasn't enough time. I wish I knew her better. I wish... But who knew? Of all the things that just, well, fucking suck about her death, two things stand out: she left behind two daughters that I don't get to spend enough time with, and a niece who she'll never be able to spoil.

This year, I had trouble picking out a card. And that troubles me. Maybe it shouldn't. Maybe it shouldn't. But I barely had it in me. I settled on one, but it wasn't funny. It was respectful. And sort of funny. But not disparaging. I know that I am not getting any less comically ruthless as I get older. I think I am worse than ever, actually. I just carry it like a concealed weapon instead of on my hip like a gunslinger. I have no answer. Maybe it was just today. Maybe it will be worse next year.

I'll close by reminding you, gentle readers, to love your life. Appreciate and get to know those you love and who love you so that there are no regrets if they are taken unexpectedly. Take nothing for granted, appreciate your family and siblings, even though they may be a pain in the ass sometimes — or all the time. Trust me on this one, I know what I am talking about.

And give a little something to cancer research today. Livestrong, American Cancer Society, Cancer Sucks! or whatever. Find a marathon, century ride or something where the proceeds go to cancer research. DO SOMETHING! I know pink ribbons are all the rage right now and believe me, I like breasts probably a little more than the next person, but cancer is cancer and I don't believe in pigeon holing funds for one type of research. But if saving boobs are where you want your money and time to go, then do it. Cure breast cancer and then move on to the next type. The shit kills people more indiscriminately than al quaeda, and there's a great chance of it getting me someday. There's your PSA for the day. Take care of yourselves.

Dis - Ease

Sick sick sick.

When Wifey hacks
And Smarty Pants sneezes
Green snot flows
Thick and easy as it pleases

Finally worn out
My immunity breaks
Now I'm coughing and blowing
Plus fever and aches

But I'm starting to feel better
Maybe it's not too late
To get into shape
For my mid-March Moab race

Like any time is a great time to get bronchitis and a sinus infection, now is terrible. The Moab Half Marathon isn't really in jeopardy, but being sick all last week and still feeling the effects this week is really going to affect my performance. I wasn't shooting for a PR, but wanted to at least do as good as last year. My longest run thus far has been about 6 miles and while it didn't kill me, I wanted to build up to about 12 miles before the run, which is now about a month away. If I am lucky I can build up to 8-9 without worrying about injury. Much. Fortunately I think my base is good enough that I can build my mileage up quickly and still run quick while having fun.

Here's to feeling better soon and my poetry skillz improving soon!

Rooting Away

I think a 9 month old mystery has finally been solved. That is, why I've been sick so much and why I've been tired more than usual.

I needed a root canal.

Sersly, I had a cavity fixed 9 months ago and it was a bad one. Painless (my dentist and all around good guy) told me I might have some trouble with it. Did I ever. Since it was repaired last fall, it remained sensitive. But all this time the nerves were festering and rotting inside my skull. I had headaches and, as you might recall, a load of sinus troubles last winter. I even started having pain in the maxillary temporal bone (whatever the hell it is) and shooting pains through my temple. A doctor even diagnosed me with TMJ (Temporomandibular Joint) disorder and have a load of muscle relaxers now.

All this came to a head (sic) over Memorial Day weekend (always over a holiday weekend!) when the tooth finally reared its ugly head and made it clear it was the problem, not the jaw or anything else.

And everyone was out of town. And out of cell phone range. I was screwed. But I had a fistfull of hydrocodone and an empty house.

I managed to score some antibiotics to start fighting the infection. Then I started running a fever, which gave me the chills and caused my teeth to chatter. Even THAT tooth. And it hurt. Not thinking, I thought it might be an allergy to the antibiotic and quit taking it. Turns out I was wrong again.

Anyhoo, two trips for root canal procedures later and I am feeling a lot better. But I am afraid I am not out of the woods yet. It seems there were some issues with one of the roots, and the tooth is more sensitive now than it was after the first procedure. But he also kicked my ass. I hope any new troubles will come up sooner than later. I don't want the next 9 to be like the last.

And remember kids, always practice good dental hygiene.

NOtivation

Saturday morning and I am writing a blog post. Obviously there ain't much to do because it's raining again. Again. What a spring...

So I am procrastinating getting my training schedule together. Which is bad because I need more direction and must start fine tuning and strengthening my weak spots. I'm swimming pretty good. I feel like I am getting faster. But I really want to get into the lake before I start committing to many more triathlons. I still struggle, wondering if the stress of swimming in open water is worth it. It freaks me out that much. I also need some help running. I need to get a little faster.

We're also all sick, well, Smarty Pants is feeling better after two weeks with some sort of flu. Swine flu? Maybe. My sinuses are barely functioning and Wifey has the worst cough ever.

In retrospect, NOtivation isn't the best title for this post. In spite of it all, I feel rearing to go. Weather peritting, I can't wait to get out more. I want to start looking for my cruiser. I have some great ideas for that if I find one that needs work. Otherwise keep it classic.

Alright nature. How about a little cooperation?

NO-vember

So I'm sick again.

Worse, Wifey and Smarty Pants are both sick also.

This is getting ridiculous. I was sick the week before the 24 Hours of Moab also. I think this is a continuation. If it happens again then it's off to the doc.

I mentioned in the last post that November 1 would be a new beginning for me. Not so much now. I'll get over whatever I got first.

On the plus side, our trip to Dinnylan was fun. No children were harmed during the trip. The weather was great. The parks were pretty empty.

On the negative, the hotel sucked (except for the pool). There wasn't a market or even a gas station anywhere close which made buying snacks for the park and beer difficult. I needed a bike, wheels really improve transportation speed.

I'll get some pics posted just to prove we had fun.

Obviously being gone and sick there hasn't been much in the way of training. No cyclocross racing either. I wanted to ride Saturday but was faced with a shload of yardwork and a rainy forecast. So I took the high road and worked my ass off outside. It snowed again today, which makes me wonder if the 24 Hours of Moab wasn't my last mountain bike ride this year.

I hope not, we are heading to St. George for Thanksgiving and I really wanted to bring the bike with me. Escape might be important when confronted with my in-laws for four days...

"I don't want to go on the cart! I think I'll go for a ride"

I am slowly returning from the depths of snot hell. Slowly and snottily returning.

Two weeks to Moab and I am looking forward to the race. No trepidation. I feel pretty good other than my sinuses and jaw from my last dentist trip. I need to remind him that my jaw does not actually open 180°. It has been more than two weeks and it still hurts, but no Vitamin I yet today so I think I am improving.

I doubt I'll surpass my best ever 1:11 lap time on the course, but I am going to give it my best to be within a couple of minutes. I will definately be the slowest member on the team.

I decided to do something active today actually slipped out for a short ride during lunch. It was the first ride on my cyclocross bike since the crash during the alley cat race in July. It is amazing how far a little bit of back flexibilty goes. The handlebars on every bike I have feel high. The cross bike was way too high.

Maybe I can motivate myself to get up tomorrow morning and hit the trail pre-dawn. I still haven't tried out my new light.

Sick Again

What I thought was an allergy has become a cold. Again. And if you remember my earlier post about getting sick, you'll know that I am in for a long haul.

That's the trouble with being healthy. Most people wake up one day and are sick. BING! Magically diseased. Not me. I get something and it takes about a week to beat me down before it actually takes hold. Then it runs rickshaw over my vacationing immune system for about a two week course and then I need about a week to recover.

I have three weeks until the 24 Hours of Moab. I wanted to ramp up this week and have one more solid week of training before my taper. But it isn't going to happen. I hope I don't lose too much fitness from the disease. Or hopefully it won't morph into a sinus infection as head colds often do with me, thanks to my septum that resembles a bowl of spaghetti.

I HAD to Ask...

The title of my last post was "What Next?"

Epididymitis. That's what's next.

It is an inflammation of the epididymis. As in testicle parts. And my right one is even larger than normal. And it hurts. For guys, it's a lot like blue balls that won't go away. So I feel like I'm back in high school, except now all the time instead of only after a date.

I noticed the first signs on Saturday. I woke up with a sore lower back, but figured I had slept wrong. Sunday was the same, with some tenderness in the nether-regions. Nothing major. Went for a good mountain bike ride even. But by Sunday night I was in heck (not quite hell), walking all bow-legged, wanting to puke and running a fever.

It felt like my Ali was using my nut as a speed bag, on a really hot day.

I noticed the swelling Monday and even with my minimal math skill put the symptoms together and went to the doctor to find out what the hell. Not that I go to the doctor often, but when mysterious stuff is happening with your junk, you bloody-well go to the damn doctor.

The doc was very tender with the boys, and didn't mind when he hit the tender parts and my toes curled enough to buckle the tile floor. I am still thankful he saved the prostrate check for another day. Maybe after dinner and a couple of glasses of that fruity wine the ladies like so much. I was happy to hear there was nothing serious like cancer or torsion to be concerned with.

SO! I am on antibiotics and anti-inflammatories for the next few weeks. The swelling is going down but there will be no training until the weekend. Maybe I needed a break anyway.

How did it happen? I have not a clue. Certainly not by any of the sexually deviant methods outlined on webmd, but reading it made me feel like a bit of a perv. A simple urinary tract infection . . .

Just lucky I guess.

Ear We Go!

Of all the shit luck, I have an ear infection.

I don't get ear infections.

So what the F*&#?

Speaking of "what the F*&#," what the F*&#? is it with these idiots in the Tour de France? Three doping positives, with one being a rising star, Ricardo Ricco. I'll just say he seems like a little a-hole anyway and this comes as no surprise. Still, the fact that guys are being nailed, then they do a room search on one and find a pharmacy (amoxicillin to share please?) is very telling. I have been a firm believer in Floyd Landis, but with every positive my faith dims a little.

Sorry, I know neither of my loyal readers gives a warm-water enema about cycling, but it's the only sport I really follow. And I'm a guy and guys need sports, even if the players wear gaudy lycra suits.

Yeah, ear infection, I have never had an ear infection in my limited memory. This is making me nuts. It's frigging July, not exactly ear infection season. I can't decide whether to ride tonight or head to the infirmary to make sure my brain isn't trying to escape through my eustation tube. Still swimming, but wearing earplugs to minimize water entry which is probably a good idea anyway.

On the bright side, Smarty Pants is making headway in potty training. She is getting to where she'll hold it, but doesn't always like to go, so it's a weird thing to have to deal with. But we are headed in the right direction. That direction being the elimination of diapers, specifically smelly one that I need to handle, with my hands.